Results and Emotions - Dispassion

Results and Emotions - Dispassion 

"Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit" - Conrad Hilton

There are two parts to life, there are results, and then there are emotions. What messes people up is when they tie them together cancerously. Results don't mean anything unless we attach a meaning to them.

Emotions, on an elementary level, are chemical explosions that our brain controls. You don't need to do anything to feel a certain way. Do you? it automatically happens. But awareness of those emotions makes a big difference.

Similarly, a result isn't an emotion. Take any result like earning an income of a million dollars. A million dollars doesn't mean anything until you attach a meaning to it. I have seen people loose their sleep over achieving such goals. So when you attach your emotions to results inseparably it begins to haunt you.

However, there is a better way of doing this. When you can separate emotions and results, you will find a much fulfilling way to achieve your goals. In eastern philosophy, this is known as dispassion theory of keeping oneself grounded.

 "Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better" - Samuel Becket.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Emotional Roller Coaster

For ages, people have debated if leaders are born or made? So too, goes the debate about emotional intelligence. Perhaps it has been my most favourite organisational behaviour topics since I read Daniel Goleman’s book about emotional intelligence in 1998. I always had a belief it could be an acquired skill but I never knew how? But later on I felt it must be a born talent hidden in genes and finally I got the answer actually it is both. It is just like empathy, some people are born with it and some people acquire it with life experiences.

Emotional intelligence like empathy is a psychological muscle which needs emotional work out, like our physical muscles. Good news is that our psychological muscles too get stronger and stronger with work out just like our physical muscle. Only the work out regime is little different, in order to build our emotional intelligence muscles we need play full out in our brain gym with dumbbells of feelings, drive, impulses, anxiety, stress, motivation, laughter and happiness.

Our brains have a little area called “Neocortex” responsible to grasp concepts and logic. It along with our conscious thoughts and experiences form emotional intelligence system.

Some people might be better with it by virtue of genome structures. Rest of us could also develop this by putting our mind to work out in the brain gym simply, by taking each experience with intension to get better at it next time when it comes around. Just like as a kid when you learnt not to touch a hot stove after getting burned with it once or as an adult learning how to handle professional and personal stressors. Once you do it next time round you’ll have emotional muscles much stronger to handle the situation better.

There are five aspects to practice when it comes to building muscles for emotional intelligence:

·         Self-Awareness – Knowing your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals. Their impact on you and others around you.

·         Self- Regulation - Controlling or redirecting disruptive thoughts, emotions and impulses.

·         Motivation – Being driven to achieve for the sake of self-esteem.

·         Empathy – Considering others feelings, especially when making decision about things that matters.

·         Social Skills – Managing relationships to move people/ thoughts/ situations in desired directions

Research is demonstrating that people can, if they take the right approach, develop their emotional intelligence. I had personally found it very rewarding and can easily tell the difference between the days it works and days it doesn’t. Offcourse it is a never ending learning experience and not an easy process. It takes time and most of all commitment. But the benefits that come from having a well-developed emotional intelligence, both for the individual and for the organisation, make it worth the efforts.

Happy working out at the brain gym!

"When I say managing your emotions, I only mean really distressing, negative emotions. Feeling emotions is what makes your life rich. You need your passions." - Daniel Goleman

Creating a mindful culture

Creating a mindful culture

I’m sure you would have come across the word “mindfulness” a lot of people I meet think it is something to do with meditation. Nevertheless, practicing meditation isn’t a bad start however mindfulness is a lot more than just sitting down closing your eyes and feeling like Buddha.

Have you lately caught yourself standing in a room thinking why the hell did I come here? Or driving down the road on auto pilot? Or brushing your teeth in the morning without even realising which side you have already brushed? Or eaten your lunch at desk without even tasting a single bite? I got you didn’t I ha ha… well Mindfulness in essence is opposite of mindlessness.

There are two parts to mindfulness –

First, learning to focus and attention on one thing, and being able to bring the attention back when distracted.

Second is about the attitude you bring to paying attention i.e. being open, being focused and interested in what you are doing.

Why suddenly mindfulness is a buzz in corporate culture rather than in monasteries? It is due to the benefit it brings along with it. Imagine if someone can become more creative, have higher levels of pattern-recognition, greater confidence, greater motivation, greater focus and less anxiety obviously they’re going to be more productive and valuable to the company.

So what are few simple ways to create mindful culture?

• Do one thing at a time and do it well
• Be aware of your mindlessness patterns
• Create a soft anchor to flip out of distractions
• Set a time limit for worry or anxiety
• Switch off for at least 10 mins every day
• Recharge your battery often
• Ask for help if you’re in stress
• Develop mindfulness as a skill
• Choose to do three things mindfully everyday like brushing your teeth.
• Choose to respond rather than react
• Learn to accept difficult experiences or changes
• Lastly, Nab’s new marketing punch line – “talk to yourself more”

      

As said earlier, mindfulness is like a muscle which gets stronger and stronger with regular practice. Try the mindfulness app by smiling mind to get started I find it best to switch off during my train trips. You can find your own based on what works for you… happy minding.

“You can’t cross the sea by merely by standing and staring at the water – Rabindranath Tagore”

Unplug your mind

Dump the phone and unplug your mind

"Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small, A journey of thousand miles must begin with a single step.” – Lao Tzu

‘Constantly connected’ – if that seems to sum up your day then I have a word of caution for you and it is not coming from me alone, former vice president of Facebook Chamath Pali says “Social media is ripping apart the basic fabric of our society” and he feels “tremendous guilt” over his work on building Facebook’s social validation engine. Believe it or not Facebook has an algorithm to assess your personality and creates so called “short term, dopamine feedback loop called social validation”. Which in simple words means the like buttons, high fives, happy go lucky icons that it reads from your profile and feeds it into an algorithm to target advertisement and social traffic onto your Facebook page.

In an interview with Harvard business school he says he has deactivated not only his but his family’s Facebook account and encourages his kids to call their friends over phone rather checking in status on social media. All this has added another buzz word in our well-being dictionary called “Digital Detox”.

While Technology addiction is not classified as a psychological disorder as of now but it is heading that way quicker than you can imagine. At the same time, there is no denying the fact about value technology delivers in today’s age. However, as the old saying goes “too much of anything is bad” it becomes our revered duty to let our next generation understand the risk that technology overdose brings. Believe it or not we are the last generation on this planet that spent their lives without any screens, apart from a Television.

I still remember the good old black and white TV set in our living room back in 80’s and waiting for Giant Robot, He Man and Spider Man animation series to be aired every Sunday. I never imagined as a child something like tablet or smart phone would make it possible to deliver such content with mere touch of a button. Maybe it was good,since we had time rationed to watch this stuff vs. studies, playtime and family time.

As they say “history repeats itself” number one advise digital detox experts give is rationing screen time in our daily life, so let’s look at how it works:

Implement computer free days – Take out at least one day per month or every fortnight when you

dump your phone, tablet, laptops and TV’s to enjoy time with your family.

Leave the screens out of sleep – Latent technology used in LED screens is a blue optical display which hampers our brainwave pattern, listen to some good old songs or read a book before going to bed instead of looking at a screen. Psychology experts suggest at least one hour gap between sleep and screen time.

Carry your camera – Instead of phone take out your good old camera on holidays to restrict screen time.

Disconnect to reconnect – The best part of living in Australia is the good old “Outback” culture, we are so fortunate to have the biggest backyards and lovely camp sites all over the country. If you haven’t tried camping ever it is a must do activity. Leave your phones and screens behind to rejoice reconnect and recuperate with your family and loved ones.

Control your phone – If you are tempted to look at your phone with every ring, vibrate or notification then take it as a signal to control your phone time. It can be as simple as leaving your phone away and going on a walk with a mate or just by yourself. It is a good idea to switch off your phone at night or at least leave it on silent away from your bedroom.

Schedule screen free nights – Once a week switch off Wi-Fi and turn off TV to spend some good old dinner table time with your loved ones.

“Reward Yourself” - Especially kids for not using internet/ TV/ YouTube for once a week by scheduling screen free trip to park, zoo, aquarium or beach. There are digital detox retreats if you wish to take the pricey option.

Given that our relationship with screen is still relatively new, there are warnings signs that we should look out for and pass on to the next generation the experience we have been raised with.

The Power of Now

The Power of Now

"No body gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies" - Ann Landers.

There is one great book I read called, “The Power of now" by Eckert Tolle and it discusses the challenge of staying in the present moment and how much power you have when you do stay in the now. For me it was one of the biggest challenges during college days I had either stayed in past or looked towards the future anxiously.

Although both models have their plus and minus, I was young and anxious but also quite naive about expecting things I never knew I would get. It was then one fine day I decided what do I want? What are things I could do that are under my control? I still remember it was 17 November 2002, I wrote my list of 101 things to do before I die. You may call it a bucket list but I called it my "Wish List", it had things like meeting big celebrities, travelling around the world and experience things like Bungy jumping and sky diving.

Today looking back at it I have achieved a good amount of wishes I wrote for myself, it gives me pleasure and exhilaration. But most of all it gave me one thing that I felt lacked seriously back then “Purpose”. That list is the reason I am living in one of the finest cities in the world, driving a good car, living in a comfortable home. I’m not saying this to boast my achievements but to remind myself and to my blog readers about “Purpose”.

Back then past was a painful place to be, to see all mistakes I did, all the fear of failure and sour memories of what could have been better. On the other hand, the perfect future I wished. I call it the “Yoyo moment” where you are stuck between past and future. I’m sure all of us have such moments, one tool I discovered was “Power of Now” I didn’t know it back then. It gives you immense power to move your life ahead. It is like steering wheel of your car, which gives you direction. It doesn’t work when you are stationary in “Yoyo moment” but works like charm when you push the accelerator.

However, it is immensely significant to look back in the rear view mirror (your past) but you can’t drive your car looking at it all the time. It is of no use, but still significant to know what mistakes to avoid, to judge the road. So to speak power of now is your steering wheel that will direct you towards your purpose. All you got to do is choose the right speed and set course of action. All the best!

"The starting point of all achievement is desire" - Napoleon Hill.

Who moved my Cheese?

Who moved my cheese?

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” ― Helen Keller

Long ago, I read this book “Who moved my cheese” I learned something about human psychology that day but never understood the real meaning until quite some time, until someone moved my pack of cheese, until I found the real meaning of emotional resilience.

There is something peculiar about us human beings, especially when dealing with emotions. Emotions are distinctive set of body sensations, which we experience under specific situations. These can range from subtle to very strong. There are only three primary colours – Red, Blue and Yellow but we can get spectrum of colours by mixing primary colours. Similarly, there are four types of emotions - Joy, Sadness, Anger and Fear. But we can generate a range of the emotions using combination of these. For example, jealousy is combination of anger and fear, pride is combination of joy and anger. We go through different emotions every moment based on situation to situation testing our psychological response to know if that is going to bring pain or pleasure?

We rely on relations throughout our life. One of the prime areas of our existence that deal with this reaction response every day is relationships. I still remember one of my managers telling relationship is the most important part of your life, be it personal or professional. Relationship does not mean only relationship with people but it also means relationship with profession, relationship with sports, relationship with music and so on. Let’s focus on relationship with some activity such as profession.

In relationships, we experience various primary and secondary emotions like love, pride, respect, envy, anger, frustration, sadness, loss. I remember, when I was ready to move to Australia and resigned my job in India, I was having mix of emotions. I was having emotions of joy, excitement, curiosity to explore new country, meeting new people, gaining wider work experience. But somewhere inside me, I was sad leaving my current job, my friends and my country. To my surprise, I was grieving about the loss and it hit me real hard when I returned after my brother’s wedding back in 2005. Leaving a house full of joy, party, celebration and togetherness to a lonely apartment in Strathfield, it was like a punch in the guts as if a great loss, kind of death.  

Coping with any loss always involves the same dynamics. In every case, whether it’s the loss of a friendship, a career, a limb, whatever, we are forced to admit the fact that we will never experience something or someone again. We are forced to feel an internal emptiness and to accept our pain. Every loss is losing part of us which needs to be rebuilt so that we can replace the loss with new job, new friends and colleagues.

No one can help you unless you get up and start reconstructing the lost part of yourself. I started attending few seminars, going to temple, found a new job and got connected with new people, made new friends “my eagles group” to who I’ll be eternally grateful. I left my comfort zone behind and started taking life head on; I never imagined I would pursue passion for writing and public speaking. Eternal grateful for that change it made me rediscover myself. I had found new cheese, I embraced my new life.

So if you are at the juncture where someone has moved your cheese then get excited because it’s time to do something you never thought you will do. It is time to look after your physical and emotional state. It is time for new adventures you never tried before. It is time to go for a run or fitness class or any other sports you like. Maybe try out meditation you might discover something that you’ve never experienced before. I remember my first meditation session back in 2002 I felt as light as a feather, a bird set free to roam the skies, it was pure and serene.

It is time for New Year to begin, in essence that is what a new year is all about, who cares about earth spinning round the sun in 365 days? But if you look closer it can be real powerful only if you’ve found your cheese.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi.

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